We all have memories of that one special christmas that sticks in our head, so in the lead up to Christmas lets all post that special christmas and share with all here. This idea has been Pattycam approved, so don't let Patty do an Aunty Jack on you lol. Having your arms pulled off is no fun believe me. I'll start.
My favourite christmas was when I was a child living in Adelaide, I was one of 6 children. All eight of us thats including Mum and Dad lived in a 3 bedroom house, sounds squeezy hey? But it wasn't we all fitted in nicely. Anyway Mum would spoil us rotten to the horror of Dad.
You see we each didn't get one present we each got gifts showered upon us. We had these glass sliding doors leading into the loungeroom and we weren't allowed to slide them open until Mum and Dad got up.
Inside the loungeroom we had a 3 piece green vynil lounge suite and each of us kids had our own lounge chair filled with presents. Dad would turn on the radiogram, thats before stereos came in, anyway it went on to the music of Bing Crosby singing Christmas carols, and thats the day I heard for the first time the story of the donkey narrated by Bing, lovely to listen to if you haven't heard it then do so.
Then later that day Mum would cook the turkey and friends would come for Xmas Dinner, there were so many kids with family friends there that Dad would set up two wooden planks so us kids could eat on the back verandah and the Adults inside. Now we go out for Christmas Dinner to a restaurant and it just doesn't have the same feel.
But why this christmas was so special was because it was the day i got my very own camera , a Kodak Instamatic.
Thats what I remember so fondly of Christmas.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
New Year
With all this talk of traditions at Christmas, I wondered what traditions you had for the New Year, what do you usually do then.
My Mother is from Scotland, and the Scots are big on New Year. Growing up we didn't really celebrate the New Year, but we did watch Andy Stewart on the TV, singing all the Scots songs. I don't remember ever really making to that particular midnight hour.
I did go to a New Year's Party once, I didn't enjoy it at all.
(I'm not really a party person.)
My Mother is from Scotland, and the Scots are big on New Year. Growing up we didn't really celebrate the New Year, but we did watch Andy Stewart on the TV, singing all the Scots songs. I don't remember ever really making to that particular midnight hour.
I did go to a New Year's Party once, I didn't enjoy it at all.
(I'm not really a party person.)
Saturday, December 24, 2005
F*@#ing men!!!
Men are always complaining about how we're suffocating them.
Personally, I think if you can still hear them whining, you aren't pressing hard enough with the pillow!!!!!
Personally, I think if you can still hear them whining, you aren't pressing hard enough with the pillow!!!!!
Friday, December 23, 2005
Robot Bartender
A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."He decides to test the robot.
He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"The man responds, "about a 100."Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test.
He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."And the robot says... real slowly, "So............... ya gonna vote for Bush again?"
The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."He decides to test the robot.
He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"The man responds, "about a 100."Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test.
He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."And the robot says... real slowly, "So............... ya gonna vote for Bush again?"
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Christmas FAQ
Q: Why is mistletoe hanging over the front door?
A: For Scandinavians, the goddess of love (Frigga) is strongly associated with mistletoe. This link to romance may be where our tradition of kissing under mistletoe comes from.
Q: Who is this reindeer named Rudolf?
A: The whole story of Rudolf appeared, out of nowhere, in 1939. Santas at Montgomery Ward stores gave away 2.4 million copies of a booklet entitled "Rudolf the Red-Nose Reindeer." The story was written by a person in the advertising department named Robert May. The original name of the reindeer was not Rudolf, but according to the book The original name was Rollo, but executives did not like that name, nor Reginald. The name Rudolf came from the author's young daughter! In 1949. The Rudolf song is second only to "White Christmas" in popularity.
Q: Why is Christmas sometimes spelled Xmas?...especially when combined with the word "sale"?
A: According to the book Did you ever Wonder... by Jeff Rovin, the word for Christ in Greek is Xristos. The use of the shortened form "Xmas" became popular in Europe in the 1500s.
The word Xmas is so common in advertising most likely because "Xmas" and "sale" have the same number of letters, and "Xmas" is significantly shorter than Christmas.
Q: What, exactly, are the 12 days of Christmas?
A: The 12 days of Christmas are the 12 days that separate Christmas day on December 25 from Epiphany, which is celebrated January 6. Depending on the church, January 6 may mark Christ's baptism (the Catholic tradition), or it may mark the day that the wise men visited the baby Jesus with their gifts. In the past, there was a tradition of giving gifts throughout the 12 days, rather than stacking them all up on the morning of December 25. That tradition, as you might imagine, has never really caught on in most countries. We just aren't that patient. The song, however, demonstrates that some people once stretched out their gifts (and gave some fairly elaborate gifts...) over the full 12 days.
Q: Why is there a small evergreen tree in your living room?
A: This is a German tradition, started as early as 700 A.D. In the 1800s the tradition of a Christmas tree was widespread in Germany, then moved to England and then to America through Pennsylvanian German immigrants
A: For Scandinavians, the goddess of love (Frigga) is strongly associated with mistletoe. This link to romance may be where our tradition of kissing under mistletoe comes from.
Q: Who is this reindeer named Rudolf?
A: The whole story of Rudolf appeared, out of nowhere, in 1939. Santas at Montgomery Ward stores gave away 2.4 million copies of a booklet entitled "Rudolf the Red-Nose Reindeer." The story was written by a person in the advertising department named Robert May. The original name of the reindeer was not Rudolf, but according to the book The original name was Rollo, but executives did not like that name, nor Reginald. The name Rudolf came from the author's young daughter! In 1949. The Rudolf song is second only to "White Christmas" in popularity.
Q: Why is Christmas sometimes spelled Xmas?...especially when combined with the word "sale"?
A: According to the book Did you ever Wonder... by Jeff Rovin, the word for Christ in Greek is Xristos. The use of the shortened form "Xmas" became popular in Europe in the 1500s.
The word Xmas is so common in advertising most likely because "Xmas" and "sale" have the same number of letters, and "Xmas" is significantly shorter than Christmas.
Q: What, exactly, are the 12 days of Christmas?
A: The 12 days of Christmas are the 12 days that separate Christmas day on December 25 from Epiphany, which is celebrated January 6. Depending on the church, January 6 may mark Christ's baptism (the Catholic tradition), or it may mark the day that the wise men visited the baby Jesus with their gifts. In the past, there was a tradition of giving gifts throughout the 12 days, rather than stacking them all up on the morning of December 25. That tradition, as you might imagine, has never really caught on in most countries. We just aren't that patient. The song, however, demonstrates that some people once stretched out their gifts (and gave some fairly elaborate gifts...) over the full 12 days.
Q: Why is there a small evergreen tree in your living room?
A: This is a German tradition, started as early as 700 A.D. In the 1800s the tradition of a Christmas tree was widespread in Germany, then moved to England and then to America through Pennsylvanian German immigrants
THE SHIP THAT SAILS
I'd rather be the ship that sails
And rides the billows wild and free;
Than to be the ship that always fails
To leave its port and go to sea.
I'd rather feel the sting of strife,
Where gales are born and tempests roar;
Than settle down to useless life
And rot in dry dock on the shore.
I'd rather fight some mighty wave
With honor in supreme command;
And fill at last a well-earned grave,
Than die in ease upon the sand.
I'd rather drive where sea storms blow,
And be the ship that always failed
To make the ports where it would go,
Than be the ship that never sailed.
-- Anonymous
And rides the billows wild and free;
Than to be the ship that always fails
To leave its port and go to sea.
I'd rather feel the sting of strife,
Where gales are born and tempests roar;
Than settle down to useless life
And rot in dry dock on the shore.
I'd rather fight some mighty wave
With honor in supreme command;
And fill at last a well-earned grave,
Than die in ease upon the sand.
I'd rather drive where sea storms blow,
And be the ship that always failed
To make the ports where it would go,
Than be the ship that never sailed.
-- Anonymous
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
The envelope please
and the winner of this years best christmas picture for 2005 goes to ...................................
Joke
"And what do you want for Christmas, little boy?" said the jolly mall Santa.
The horrified child gasped back, "What? You didn't you get my email?"
The horrified child gasped back, "What? You didn't you get my email?"
Louise
Louise
This is reportedly an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize. ************************************** CHRISTMAS WITH LOUISE As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult book! st! ore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my vehicle so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee mor! ni! ng hours, long after Santa had come and gone. I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.
I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my ! mo! uth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on, Granny! Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot lik! e ! my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the pantyhose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever ! he! can get out of the house.
This is reportedly an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize. ************************************** CHRISTMAS WITH LOUISE As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult book! st! ore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my vehicle so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee mor! ni! ng hours, long after Santa had come and gone. I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.
I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my ! mo! uth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on, Granny! Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot lik! e ! my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the pantyhose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever ! he! can get out of the house.
The Blog Phenomenon
From humble beginnings, blogs have become one of the most significant forms of Internet media.
Angus Kidman explains how blogging originated and looks at how these online diaries are changing the shape of the Internet.
Ever since the World Wide Web became popular in around 1995, people have been using Web pages to record their thoughts and impressions, and to provide links to pages that they find useful, interesting or amusing. One obvious form for doing this is in a diary-style listing, with the most recent entries at the top.
Read more here....
Angus Kidman explains how blogging originated and looks at how these online diaries are changing the shape of the Internet.
Ever since the World Wide Web became popular in around 1995, people have been using Web pages to record their thoughts and impressions, and to provide links to pages that they find useful, interesting or amusing. One obvious form for doing this is in a diary-style listing, with the most recent entries at the top.
Read more here....
Christmas Competition!
In the spirit of Chritsmas, let's have a fun competion.
Blog your best Christmas photograph, it can be fiddled with, photo-shopped, or simply representing what Christmas means to you.
Go for it, fabulous prize for the winner!
Ends next Wednesday, so get cracking!
Blog your best Christmas photograph, it can be fiddled with, photo-shopped, or simply representing what Christmas means to you.
Go for it, fabulous prize for the winner!
Ends next Wednesday, so get cracking!
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Joke
A little boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Please send me a baby sister."
Santa Claus wrote back and said, "Okay. Send me your mother!"
Santa Claus wrote back and said, "Okay. Send me your mother!"
Chocolate Christmas Trees
Serving size: Serves 10 or more
Cooking time: Less than 30 minutes
Makes approximately 45
INGREDIENTS
250g packet plain sweet biscuits, crushed
1 cup desiccated coconut
2 tablespoons baking cocoa
1 tablespoon honey (optional)
395g can sweetened condensed milk
1 cup white or dark melts
Coconut, sprinkles, silver and gold cachous, for decoration
METHOD
Combine biscuits, coconut, baking cocoa, honey and sweetened condensed milk in a large bowl, mix well.
Shape teaspoonfuls of chocolate mixture into cones, refrigerate until firm.
Drizzle top of cones with melted white or dark chocolate melts, decorate as desired, allow chocolate to set.
Store in airtight container in refrigerator.
Patty
Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged
SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you hear what I hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We three Queens disoriented are...
DEMENTIA: I think I'll be home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels sing about me
AMNESIA: I don't know if I'll be home for Christmas
MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
PARANOID: Santa Clause is coming to get me
PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why.
DEPRESSION: Silent Anedonia, Holy Anedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell ck, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock ...........(better start again)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
SENILE DEMENTIA: Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We three Queens disoriented are...
DEMENTIA: I think I'll be home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels sing about me
AMNESIA: I don't know if I'll be home for Christmas
MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
PARANOID: Santa Clause is coming to get me
PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why.
DEPRESSION: Silent Anedonia, Holy Anedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell ck, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock ...........(better start again)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
SENILE DEMENTIA: Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe
Monday, December 19, 2005
Joke
Why does Santa Claus have the world's best job? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live!
New Years resolutions
We probably did this last year, however, what are the three (if you have three) New Years resolutions that you would like to make, and keep, this year.
Happy 50th David!
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.
But everything else starts to
wear out, fall out, or spread out.
There are three signs of old age.
The first is your loss of memory,
the other two I forget.
You're getting old when
you don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun
and fun a lot more work.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy,
there are five women to every man.
Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?
You know you're getting on in years
when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when
you have stopped growing at both ends,
and have begun to grow in the middle.
Of course I'm against sin;
I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.
A man has reached middle age
when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor
instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations
and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when
you realize that caution is the only thing
you care to exercise.
At my age, "getting a little action" means
I don't need to take a laxative.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
You're getting old when
getting lucky means
you find your car in the parking lot.
You're getting old when
you're sitting in a rocker
and you can't get it started.
You're getting old when
your wife gives up sex for Lent,
and you don't know until the 4th of July.
You're getting old when
you wake up with that morning-after feeling,
and you didn't do anything the night before.
The cardiologist's diet:
if it tastes good, spit it out.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news:
the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
It's hard to be nostalgic
when you can't remember anything.
You know you're getting old when
you stop buying green bananas.
Last Will and Testament:
Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
But everything else starts to
wear out, fall out, or spread out.
There are three signs of old age.
The first is your loss of memory,
the other two I forget.
You're getting old when
you don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun
and fun a lot more work.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy,
there are five women to every man.
Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?
You know you're getting on in years
when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when
you have stopped growing at both ends,
and have begun to grow in the middle.
Of course I'm against sin;
I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.
A man has reached middle age
when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor
instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations
and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when
you realize that caution is the only thing
you care to exercise.
At my age, "getting a little action" means
I don't need to take a laxative.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
You're getting old when
getting lucky means
you find your car in the parking lot.
You're getting old when
you're sitting in a rocker
and you can't get it started.
You're getting old when
your wife gives up sex for Lent,
and you don't know until the 4th of July.
You're getting old when
you wake up with that morning-after feeling,
and you didn't do anything the night before.
The cardiologist's diet:
if it tastes good, spit it out.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news:
the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
It's hard to be nostalgic
when you can't remember anything.
You know you're getting old when
you stop buying green bananas.
Last Will and Testament:
Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Saturday, December 17, 2005
No dogs were harmed in the posting of this picture.
My name is Bonnie, here I am with a posh necklace on and a lovely bow. (Now, where's me biscuit).
Friday, December 16, 2005
Christmas Competition Entry
She'd be a 100yrs old this Christmas. The Best Nan in the world, I was her favourite of course. She lived in UK and came out here numerous times. First woman I ever saw wear 3 earings at same time in each year. She use to take her false teeth out when we asked her to so she could make funny faces. She divorced and married 3 times. Worked in a haberdashery department as a manager til she was 76, the firm employed older people rather than employing someone young. She travelled around the world 5 times. She made her own clothes to the shock of my Mum because some of them were a little revealing, Nan didn't care just so long as she looked good to herself. Nan was known to be frugal she'd rather spend her money on trips rather than be house proud. Never wasted a thing including food. One time she was minding myself and my younger brother and we wouldn't eat the sandwiches she made so she said, " right i'll put them away and you can have them for tea", and so true to her word she did. Then that night out the same sandwiches came again for tea and again we refused to eat them. So she did it again out they came out for breakfast the next morning we were so hungry we ate one each then she threw the rest away, to our delight. She's the only person I know who could eat a black banana rather then throw it out. Think thats why I always get nausea when i smell an over ripe soft black banana. She certainly was a woman born before her time. But I wouldn't trade her for the world. Thats what I remember about Christmas.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
I'm Moonlighting
Yeah its me mild maned Pattycam Watcher by day and Santa by night. But shhhhhh, If anyone should ask, You don't know me, you haven't seen me, you don't know nothing, OK. Remember shhhhhhhhh mums the word, right. No beer or crackers this year a nice bottle of JW and some of them rum balls I've heard so much about. Must dash I have to pick up my sliegh its in having a service and a tune up at Kmart Auto. Ho ho hooooooooo everyone have a Merry Christmas
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
1st Prize
Yesterday a letter from the taxman asking for money, today a letter that says Congratulations You've Won ........
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Monday, December 12, 2005
Forget race and bring all criminals to justice, writes Stepan Kerkyasharian.
YESTERDAY we witnessed a sight that I thought we would never see in Australia.
A few years ago Australians of all backgrounds - indigenous, Muslim, Asian, European - united to display national pride, Australian pride, to put on the best ever Olympics.
A few weeks ago tens of thousands of people, young and old, combined to help our Socceroos ride the wave to the World Cup. Those Australians were, again, of all backgrounds. Young girls wearing the Islamic hijab were proudly displaying green and gold.
And then at North Cronulla beach we had a bunch of thugs bashing that great symbol of Australian devotion to their countrymen, surf lifesavers.
It is sad that these thugs appear to be more or less of the same ethnic background, or are perceived to be, because that causes pain to the hundreds of thousands of people of that background who live and work peacefully. That community's leaders condemn the actions of these young thugs just as the rest of us do. Yesterday, as if on cue, people took this opportunity to reclaim territory - whatever that means.
What we now have is the worst possible development in any society - people taking the law into their own hands, contributing directly to the breakdown of law and order.
People formed vigilante groups, using telephone text messages to whip up hatred of people of a particular race or religion. This is no different to what the thugs are accused of doing.
Those who participated in the war of Cronulla should revisit the scenes they created, so vividly captured on our TV screens, and ask themselves if they are really different to the thugs they set out to discipline.
What happened in Cronulla was an attempt at organised and premeditated mob violence. There's no other way to describe it.
The Australian way of life they claim to uphold includes the tradition of civil obedience and support for the lawful institutions of this land. Thugs terrorising beachgoers are not the product of multiculturalism, just as vigilantes are not the product of Australian heritage.
Let us all get behind our police force and bring the perpetrators to justice, regardless of their background.
Stepan Kerkyasharian is the chairman of the Community Relations Commission and the president of the Anti-Discrimination Board of NSW.
Patty
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Joke (or is it?)
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Pauline
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'.. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline.
FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap.
NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline.
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.
Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
Pauline.
Does this ring any bells with anyone ?????
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November
RE: The ******** Holiday Party.
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feeling too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Pauline
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'.. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline.
FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap.
NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline.
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.
Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
Pauline.
Does this ring any bells with anyone ?????
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November
RE: The ******** Holiday Party.
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feeling too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Remember!
'It is not how much we do,
but how much love we put in the doing.
It is not how much we give,
but how much love we put in the giving.'
Mother Teresa
but how much love we put in the doing.
It is not how much we give,
but how much love we put in the giving.'
Mother Teresa
My Cannas
What a beautiful flower, red with yellow tips. I read recently that these plants were considered an eyesore here in the front yards of Brisbane in past years, because they just multiply and as a consequence you can divide them over and over. I've always seen the beauty in them. Now with the water restrictions we have, they're becoming popular as they are a hardy drought resistant plants that continue to flower and flower for months on end.
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