Tuesday, November 29, 2005


Walking into the bar, Delton said to the bartender,

"Pour me a stiff one. I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Greg "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit."

Sunday, November 27, 2005


Storm over the suburbs

Our drain cannot cope with such a heavy deluge of rain, and voila!.....instant lake, complete with not one but TWO waterfalls, spilling over to the other side of the road. Cool.

A storm-torn sky....yippee!!!

Send it down Huey! Love the lightning!

Just loving ourselves sick over this storm right over-head....

Surround yourself with beautiful people you can fall in love with..... call them friends... what a great honour....

What a crack-up! lol :)

A lovely relaxing visit with old mates, we go waaay back, so nice to have that history.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Christmas memories


With some 68 Christmases behind me I have heaps of happy memories, Christmas Day is that much more special because it is my wife's birthday. But one of the special things about Christmas also, is the fact that I have been asked to be 'The old Man himself''- Santa on 2 occasions- and let me tell you - it is really an awesome experience.

The first occasion was a number of years ago when my Youngest daughter was attending the local primary school. Everyone was sworn to secrecy as to who the old man really was- careful steps were taken to hide my Identity,- the big day arrives- time to dress up- and for those of you who don't realise that when they say 'Downunder'- it means that we are opposite to those of you who enjoy Chrismas in the snow, and wearing your 'thermals' and earmuffs!!! Our Christmas is at that wonderful time of the year when we can wear our shorts and sandals, maybe a shirt, with the warmth of the sun rays to burn you if you dont 'slip, slop and slap' ( look that one up!!)- anyway- One of those Northern Hemisphere traditionalists decided that Santa come from the North Pole so has to be suitably attired in a hot bright red velvet suit, lined with white fur, as well as knee high boots, with a hat to match his suit- he also has to wear a beard- of course this has to be long enough to cause strands to sneak into the mouth and tickle the nose!!. So the thought of wearing such an outfit in Summer brings you out in a sweat just a little less than what you break out into, once you have the whole outfit on! Then of course it is always decided that Santa will sit on a chair outside usually in the sun to meet the children. Now I hope you are 'up to speed' with this most enjoyable experience of being SANTA.
Anyway, I have digressed so on with the story- Santa arrives at the School Christmas fair, ( it so happens that it is the middle of the hottest day of the year)-you dont need me to tell you where Santa's seat is- plonked right out in the sun by an organiser who may at some stage of her life been asked to play an Elf or a fairy but never the Old Man- so not a clue is known!! The children are called forward to sit on Santa's knee and have their photo taken- ( in those days Politically correct was not a concern and the total trust was there with old fashioned long time honest values- and not the PC BS we see bandied around today!!)- a small present was handed out and the child went merrily on it's way, while Santa sat there in his red sauna suit trying to avoid sneezing with \the strands of his whiskers. It comes my Darling Daughter's turn- she 'unknowingly sat on Santa's knee- had the photo taken- obviously in 'blissful ignorance'- accepts her gift- and as she walks away- in her amplified loudest whisper- says "Thanks Dad."!!!

The second occasion was just last year at a Christmas lunch attended by families at a relatively 'upmarket' Restaurant in the City. The brochures about the lunch had stated that Contact had been made with Santa,who they understood may be in the area, and if time permitted, he would drop in with presents for the children who attended the luncheon.
One little boy came to my attention as I was eating my lunch prior to going to get the Red suited old man- this little fellow was about 7 years old- and what brought him to my attention was every couple of minutes he would make his way over to the window, then very carefully study the surrounding visible area- with real careful attention to searching the sky - this procedure he carried out many times during the course of the meal.
Lunch finished, time to don the red outfit, and make my way into the dining room- (I thought-" in luck this time- Airconditioned")- only the strands of the whiskers to contend with. But as I entered that room- my eyes were on that little boy's face- which lit up in total admiration- I had a truly totally devoted fan. He could not take his eyes off of me.
When I went to sit down on a chair which was handy- I was told by the Organiser ( as in the story above-she may have been asked once to be Mrs Claus but unlikely to be ever an Elf or a Fairy!!) that for the sake of the diners Santa must do his bit out on the deck- and thats right- you guessed it- after all it was a lunch so it was the middle of the day and of course we were blessed with a beautiful sunny day!!!
Once again I have digressed- the rest of the time flew by dealing with the children with my new found admirrer sitting at my feet gazing up at me, when it was his turn to receive his gift he sprang up just about leaping onto my knee( but the PC BS now controls us so it is not allowed to be). I handed him his gift and shook his hand- just about having to prise my hand away from his-then it was all over. Time to cool down and have a beer and come back to reality.
Now, I dont care if you want to believe in Santa Claus yourself- but let me tell you- that was one of my happiest moments of my life- I still see that little boy going to the window, and I see the look on his face when Santa walked into that room- and that memory will be with me as long as I live.
As I said what an awesome experience- and guess what? In 2 weeks time I have been asked to be Santa again for the same group- I will be looking for that boy.
By the way Santa down under greets you not with just a common HO Ho Ho- we have our own way of saying it- so from this ? Santa Ho Bloody Ho and wishing you and your's all a Very Merry and Safe Christmas.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Special Christmas Memories

So far I have been "Santa" on 2 occasions. The first time was many years ago, at the local primary school which my youngest daughter was attending. I was ever so careful to make sure I could not be identified, as the children were called up, to sit on Santa's knee,-( In those days before Political Correctness BS it was the done thing!!!), have their photo taken then to receive their present . My Daughter came up exactly as the others, then as she started to walk away said "Thanks Dad!!!."

The second time was at a Christmas Luncheon at a fairly exclusive restaurant in December 2004-the children attending had been told that Santa may call in if he was free- all through the meal I watched this little boy of about 4 or 5 keep going to the window. looking all around obviously checking the surropundings but paying particular attaention to the sky- time to dress up ( and dont forget us who live "Downunder- it is Summer- and it gets very hot & sweaty in that lot!!!) Time to walk in the room-as I walked through the doorway with the necessary "Ho, Ho Ho" I sought out and saw the face of that little boy- I can honestly tell you that was something to see- his face lit up and he ran over to me staying as close as he could all the time I was there- when it was his time to come up for his present I was the centre of his attention.
I dont care if you believe in Santa or not- that day will remain with me as long as I live- and I still see the look on his face.
Guess what?- in 2 weeks time I will be Santa again at the Christmas Party for the same group- and I am looking forward to it. I will get a photo taken of the 'Old Gent' and hopefully will be able to post it here for you all to see-( if I cant manage to get the photo posted I will ask our kind and special Hostess of the Blog and one of my dearest friends to post it for us. In the meantime as the "Old Fella downunder'" says - "Off we go- With a Ho Bloody Ho!!! and of course MERRY CHRISTMAS: to you and to yours".

My Favorite Christmas time�by Johnno ...1964

Now let me think�.hmmmmm�what I remember about my favorite Christmas as a youngin.
We lived in Sydney in an old fibro house with lots of makeshift bedrooms added on.
The main thing I remember is the smell of the pine tree that arrived a week before and was placed in its pot ready for us all to decorate. Then there was the white spray that we used on all the windows for added effect. And yes, being carted off to the shopping centre to be traumatized by the old man in the red suit with my present list and getting the photo taken, as per attached photo.
Mum and Dad would wake us up to go to Midnight church. None of us were very impressed with the idea but it was a must do. It mean�s that Santa was getting that little bit closer, and so were the toys.
After we arrived home from church at about 1.00am we would put out the carrots for the deer and the *cough, wine and beer and peanuts for Santa(I really did believe that Santa drank the wine and beer *onya Dad!) Then it was all a case of trying to sleep otherwise he would not arrive.
Christmas day was a case of getting up first and waking everyone else(4 brothers and a sister and mum and dad) so we could get amongst the pressies. Then when we had all finished it would be a case of a quick breakfast and then time to skin knees on the new bike, crash the remote control plane or see whom you could shoot with the new bow and arrow set.
Lunch was always a huge hot roast with Aunts and Uncles either at our place or theirs (in the middle of summer�. does not make sense!).
But the most I remember is all the smiles and love and affection that came with all of the above.
Bring on Santa!
p.s. Does this exempt me from Aunty Jack now?
 Posted by Picasa

Now rain like this we can use!

Thanksgiving...Maybe we could do it and decrease the Bush Turkey population Posted by Picasa


Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for months when they awoke one morning and found a stunningly beautiful, totally naked, redhead lying face up on the beach, unconscious.

She was still alive, but badly sunburned and in obvious need of medical care.

One lawyer said to the other, "We've been stranded here without a woman for so long. Do you think we should screw her?"

The other lawyer looked surprised. "Out of what!?"

Thursday, November 24, 2005

You've heard of road rage

Now comes Mouse Rage.
Warning, Do not try this at home no matter how frustrated you are do not, i repeat do not hit your mouse on your desk

"Sunbird"........Waited for an hour for him to trust me enough to return to his nest...but I got the shot! Posted by Picasa

Two men in a bar

Two Guys In The Bar One says, "Did your hear the news? Mike is dead!"

"Whoa, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived at my driveway, he was going too fast, couldn't brake properly and boom - he hits the curb and the car flips. The car knocks down half of my front fence and Mike gets thrown through the sunroof. He went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that. That didn't kill him at all. So, he lands in my upstairs bedroom, lying on the floor all covered in broken glass. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking one arm, three ribs and both his legs."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and drags himself out onto the landing. He tries to pull himself up on the bannister but under his weight, the bannister breaks and he goes falling all the way down to the first floor taking the entire bannister with him. In mid air, all the broken bannister poles fall on him and 2 or 3 of them skewer him right through the abdomen just like a rotisserie chicken when he landed at the bottom."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him. He survived even that. So he's on the downstairs floor just outside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove by but reaching for a big pot of boiling hot water, and whoosh, the whole thing comes down on him and burns most of his skin off."

"Man, what a terrible way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the floor, scalded by boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing out of the wall. Water and electricity don't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, with 220 volts going right through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he ..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my f..king house"

Wednesday, November 23, 2005


Music is........

- it is exact and demands exact acoustics. A piece of music is a chart, a graph which indicates frequencies, intensities, volume changes, melody and harmony all at once with the most exact control of time.

- it is rhythmically based on the subdivision of time into fractions which must be done instantaneously, not worked out on paper.

Foreign Language
- most of the terms are Italian, German or French and the notation is certainly not English, but a highly developed kind of shorthand that uses symbols to represent ideas. The semantics of music is a universal language.

- music reflects the environment and times of its creation, often even the country and/or racial feelings.

Physical Education
- it requires fantastic coordination of fingers, hands, arms, legs, cheek and facial muscles in addition to control of diaphragmatic, back, stomach and chest muscles which respond to the sound the ear hearts and the mind interprets.

- music takes technically difficult techniques and uses them to create emotions and feelings.

Send it down Huey! Loving listening to the thunder....


Eleven people were hanging on a rope
under a helicopter - ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all,
so they decided that one had to leave,
because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to name that person,
until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,
because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything
for her husband and kids, or for men in general,
and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping their hands.

Who AM I ?

New twist on who am I. Can you put a bodypart to a face. Guess who?

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Signs of our times

Signs of Our Times

On a septic tank truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
Invite Us To Your Next Blowout

Sign over a gynecologist's office:
Dr. Jones -- At Your Cervix

On a plumber's truck:
We Repair What Your Husband Fixed

On a plastic surgeon's office door:
Hello! Can we pick your nose?

At a towing company:
We don't charge an arm and a leg. We just want tows.

On an electrician's truck:
Let Us Remove Your Shorts

On a maternity room door:
Push. Push. Push!

At an optometrist's office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

On a taxidermist's window:
We Really Know Our Stuff

In a podiatrist's office:
Time wounds all heels.

Outside a muffler shop:
No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.

In a veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

At the electric company:
We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.

In a restaurant window:
Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.


At a propane filling station:
Thank Heaven For Little Grills


Johnno...google Posted by Picasa

What is it?

Earrings that have had Eye pins used to make them.

Necklaces that may have eye pins used in the making of them.

What Am I? This is a 'Finding', and is called an 'Eye pin'. It is used in the making of beaded jewellery, such as earrings, and sometimes in necklaces.

Congratulations Kate, your 3rd time lucky contesting Australian Idol.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Too smart for 1st grade...

Too smart for 1st grade...

The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was
brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: "What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks : "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: "Bubble gum".

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Fire truck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,

"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."



Finally a Barbie I can relate to. At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead.
Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.

3.. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive
age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr.. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously.. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

"Stellla" Awards !!


You might have seen these before but they are worth 'revisiting'.

It's time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards".
The Stella Awards are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in N.M) on the ground that the coffee they'd sold her was that hot. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States.

Here are this year's winners:

5th Place(tie):

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, being as how the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

5th Place(tie):

19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

5th Place(tie):

Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson
found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the home owner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4th Place:

Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than that sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence
into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place:

A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tail bone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place:

Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1st Place:

This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back &make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

The best thing about Winter, (well, it's still Autumn really, it just feels like Winter), is having an open fire.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

What was I?

The 'What am I' was a Cobblers Anvil. This was given to me by my Dad (who was not a cobbler, but used it to repair shoes and resole them when we were younger), my sister has one too, which she uses all the time (er, she's not a cobbler either).

Letter to a friend


I am so sorry to hear the news that your Dad passed away so suddenly.
What a shock for you and your family. So sad.

I am speaking to you now, as a daughter, a wife, and a mother.

You are entering a softer, sadder time in you life, where you have the human privilege of ‘seeing off your father’; the duty of a daughter; and the responsibility of a mother.

The duty of a wife is a given… :)

No doubt you are madly helping organise the funeral. A huge ask! Again, a wonderful job, but one fraught with responsibility. Did he want his? Did he want that? Why didn’t we discuss it more!

All this, and supporting your Mother too, a task, which you shall not only rise to, but excel in.

I don’t know you very well, but I do know you love your family, blue jeans, and your ‘boys’. I feel you are a ‘hands on’, ‘can do’ person.

Make the time to stop also, and just be… allow yourself time to grieve, to think, to ponder, to wonder. Allow yourself time to just do what-ever-the-hell-you-want-to-do!

Listen to music. Have a drink. God is watching, and she approves! There has never been a sunny day without a shadow!

Have a box of tissues handy at the funeral, and don’t be afraid to visit it often.

Ask a friend to take photos at the funeral. You may never want to see them again, but if you do…they are always there to revisit.

Talk as much as you like about your Dad, to whomever will listen. Be happy. Be angry. Be daring! Be still.

It’s a funny thing this stuff being us…. it’s ultimately OUR life too, and we have the choice to live it in the way we want to, according to the time/date/fashion. There are no rules/codes/protocol for grieving … so laugh, scream, cry, hold, dream and remember.

Remember your Dad when he held you as a little girl. Remember him when he used to whisper in your ear, or pushed you on a swing.

What you are about to go through (funeral etc) is so difficult, but it’s do-able. Don’t be strong for anyone (unless it’s your Mum!) just go with the flow.

Remember to eat! Remember to drink and toast a great life! Remember to look at your family, and hug them and hold them and tell them that you love them dearly.

Thinking of you.


Daughter. Wife. Mother. Parent. Friend.

Friday, November 18, 2005



1. Save The Whales. Collect The Whole Set.

2. A Day Without Sunshine Is Like, Night.

3. On The Other Hand, You Have Different Fingers.

4. I Just Got Lost In Thought. It Wasn't Familiar Territory.

5. 42.7 Percent Of All Statistics Are Made Up On The Spot.

6. Light Travels Faster Than Sound, Which Is Why Some People Appear
Bright Until You Hear Them Speak.

7. I Feel Like I'm Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe.

8. Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet.

9. Remember, Half The People You Know Are Below Average.

10. He Who Laughs Last, Thinks Slowest.

11. Depression Is Merely Anger Without Enthusiasm.

12. The Early Bird May Get The Worm, But The Second Mouse Gets The

13. I Drive Way Too Fast To Worry About Cholesterol.

14. Support Bacteria. They're The Only Culture Some People Have.

15. Monday Is An Awful Way To Spend 1/7 Of Your Week.

16. A Clear Conscience Is Usually The Sign Of A Bad Memory.

17. Change Is Inevitable, Except From Vending Machines.

18. Get A New Car For Your Spouse. It'll Be A Great Trade!

19. Plan To Be Spontaneous Tomorrow.

20. Always Try To Be Modest, And Be Proud Of It!

21. If You Think Nobody Cares, Try Missing A Couple Of Payments.

22. How Many Of You Believe In Psycho-Kinesis? Raise My Hand.

23 . Ok, So What's The Speed Of Dark?

24. How Do You Tell When You're Out Of Invisible Ink?

25. If Everything Seems To Be Going Well, You Have Obviously
Overlooked Something.

26. When Everything Is Coming Your Way, You're In The Wrong Lane.

27. Hard Work Pays Off In The Future. Laziness Pays Off Now.

28. Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Just Do Not Have Film.

29. If Barbie Is So Popular, Why Do You Have To Buy Her Friends?

30. How Much Deeper Would The Ocean Be Without Sponges?

31. Eagles May Soar, But Weasels Do Not Get Sucked Into Jet Engines.

32. What Happens If You Get Scared Half To Death Twice?

33. I Used To Have An Open Mind But My Brains Kept Falling Out.

34. I Couldn't Repair Your Brakes, So I Made Your Horn Louder.

35. Why Do Psychics Have To Ask You For Your Name?

36. Inside Every Older Person Is A Younger Person Wondering What

37. Just Remember - If The World Did Not Suck, We Would All Fall Off.

At last, Hello has decided to work. Anyway, here is another 'What Am I'.


When a woman wears leather clothing,a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees and he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wonder why?

Because she smells like a new truck!

Thursday, November 17, 2005

What Am I.

Ok, a new 'What Am I', I'm pretty confident with this one. Hehe.

What Am I

That's right Brispaul, they were blunt nose pliers.

What am I.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

My little mate, my web cam. The item was the visor that my little webcam wears.

Second item.

The first item was a smart card.


If a woman allows her tattoo artist to grope her chest in exchange for a free tattoo, could that be considered "tit for tat?"

Here's another What Am I, I fear a bit easy though.

What Am I.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Actual writing on hospital charts

Actual writing on hospital charts

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

9.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. Skin: somewhat pale. but present.

25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

28. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room

29. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

30. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

31. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

32. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

33. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

34. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

World Tour

As the "Ambassador-at-Large" for Qantas Airlines, John is currently on the 2005 World Tour piloting an original Qantas 707 that he purchased several years ago.

Monday, November 14, 2005



What Three Things remind you of Christmas, or what Three Things are your Christmas Traditons?

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Two tired men, exhausted from playing with the ultimate in Boys Toys.


Touchdown, safely back on terra-firma again, well done to Matt and his team at World Flight Australia, raising money for Royal Flying Doctors Service


Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the
stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets
groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six
months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He
opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there.

Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. ....Having a
Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink
with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely, gonna be
some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there.
"Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the
way, what should I wear?"

"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

Good stuff to know...

This year I take comfort in the fact that I have the slightly *cough inebriated Johnno sitting next to me as we land in Sydney this year. At least I know that if I keep an eye on him, he will not be attempting to join his crazy brother Matt in the cockpit, even though the cockpit door is just forward of where we are both seated.

It's been a long flight, and it will be nice to finally touch down in Sydney regardless of the outcome of the flight. Gary has been an occasional pest, sitting behind Johnno and myself, kicking the seat to annoy us. And then there is Patty sitting just forward of us, trying to stir up trouble of her own in the cabin. Yep, it's been a fun flight!

But remember... the money does go to a good cause.

Will World Flight 2005 end like World Flight 2004 ???

It was supposed to be for a good cause, or so I thought. It turned out to be the a flight from hell, piloted by Johnno's crazy brother. First off, Matt and his co-pilot were both drinking on duty. This was recorded on the cockpit web cam during the flight from Adelaide to Sydney. They thought they were being discrete by hiding the bottles down by the base of their seats. While this might be overlooked by some, the real craziness came just prior to landing in Sydney.

It's a good thing I did not eat during the flight. The effect of the alcohol on the pilots in the cockpit was obvious. Adults and children in the main cabin alike could be heard screaming in terror. Many were busy reciting last minute prayers. Just minutes from touching down in Sydney, and Johnno's crazy brother decides to fly under the Sydney Harbor Bridge, followed by a barrel roll and then somehow manages to land the plane in one piece.

While it was a horrifying flight, the passengers all applauded as Matt and the co-pilot were greeted by Sydney's finest, and escorted off the plane in handcuffs, placed in the paddy wagon and whisked away to headquarters for additional de-briefing.

Fortunately it was the conclusion of a week long simulation of an around the world trip in a 747. Can't blame them for having a few beers. And the money did go to a good cause. I'm just thankful that Johnno was not in the co-pilot seat with his brother :)

Thanks for the link to World Flight 2004 Johnno. Your brother Matt and his crew put on a first class performance. Folks, if you missed WF 2004, be sure and tune in for WF 2005. In the meantime, take a look at their web site and see what you missed.

You can see the old airstrip that is north of the Rock, welcome back to Australia!

World FLight at Ayres Rock, nearly home.

Saturday, November 12, 2005


Three mothers decided to check the contents of their teenage daughters' purses.

The brunette opened her daughter's purse and found a pack of cigarettes.

"Oh, my God! I didn't know my daughter smokes!"

The redhead went through her daughter's purse and found a flask of vodka.

Oh, my God! I didn't know my daughter drinks!"

The blonde opened her daughter's purse and found a condom.

"Oh, my God! I didn't know my daughter has a penis!"

Friday, November 11, 2005

Tommy Emmanuel.......I took my 12 yo to the concert last night...front row seats...her reward for coming first in guitar class at school...brilliant guitarist...the Master.
As we got our cd's signed, I asked for a quick photo shoot with my daughter, wait till her guitar teacher sees this. Posted by Picasa

Tommy Emmanuel...This is when he makes the guitar sound like a full on Aborigine dance music scene, complete with didgeridoo...all with his guitar Posted by Picasa