Walking into the bar, Delton said to the bartender,
"Pour me a stiff one. I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Greg "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit."
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Friday, November 25, 2005
My Favorite Christmas time�by Johnno ...1964
Ok,
Now let me think�.hmmmmm�what I remember about my favorite Christmas as a youngin.
We lived in Sydney in an old fibro house with lots of makeshift bedrooms added on.
The main thing I remember is the smell of the pine tree that arrived a week before and was placed in its pot ready for us all to decorate. Then there was the white spray that we used on all the windows for added effect. And yes, being carted off to the shopping centre to be traumatized by the old man in the red suit with my present list and getting the photo taken, as per attached photo.
Mum and Dad would wake us up to go to Midnight church. None of us were very impressed with the idea but it was a must do. It mean�s that Santa was getting that little bit closer, and so were the toys.
After we arrived home from church at about 1.00am we would put out the carrots for the deer and the *cough, wine and beer and peanuts for Santa(I really did believe that Santa drank the wine and beer *onya Dad!) Then it was all a case of trying to sleep otherwise he would not arrive.
Christmas day was a case of getting up first and waking everyone else(4 brothers and a sister and mum and dad) so we could get amongst the pressies. Then when we had all finished it would be a case of a quick breakfast and then time to skin knees on the new bike, crash the remote control plane or see whom you could shoot with the new bow and arrow set.
Lunch was always a huge hot roast with Aunts and Uncles either at our place or theirs (in the middle of summer�. does not make sense!).
But the most I remember is all the smiles and love and affection that came with all of the above.
Bring on Santa!
p.s. Does this exempt me from Aunty Jack now?
Joke
Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for months when they awoke one morning and found a stunningly beautiful, totally naked, redhead lying face up on the beach, unconscious.
She was still alive, but badly sunburned and in obvious need of medical care.
One lawyer said to the other, "We've been stranded here without a woman for so long. Do you think we should screw her?"
The other lawyer looked surprised. "Out of what!?"
She was still alive, but badly sunburned and in obvious need of medical care.
One lawyer said to the other, "We've been stranded here without a woman for so long. Do you think we should screw her?"
The other lawyer looked surprised. "Out of what!?"
Thursday, November 24, 2005
You've heard of road rage
Now comes Mouse Rage.
Warning, Do not try this at home no matter how frustrated you are do not, i repeat do not hit your mouse on your desk
Two men in a bar
Two Guys In The Bar One says, "Did your hear the news? Mike is dead!"
"Whoa, what the hell happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived at my driveway, he was going too fast, couldn't brake properly and boom - he hits the curb and the car flips. The car knocks down half of my front fence and Mike gets thrown through the sunroof. He went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that. That didn't kill him at all. So, he lands in my upstairs bedroom, lying on the floor all covered in broken glass. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking one arm, three ribs and both his legs."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and drags himself out onto the landing. He tries to pull himself up on the bannister but under his weight, the bannister breaks and he goes falling all the way down to the first floor taking the entire bannister with him. In mid air, all the broken bannister poles fall on him and 2 or 3 of them skewer him right through the abdomen just like a rotisserie chicken when he landed at the bottom."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him. He survived even that. So he's on the downstairs floor just outside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove by but reaching for a big pot of boiling hot water, and whoosh, the whole thing comes down on him and burns most of his skin off."
"Man, what a terrible way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the floor, scalded by boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing out of the wall. Water and electricity don't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, with 220 volts going right through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he ..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"He was wrecking my f..king house"
"Whoa, what the hell happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived at my driveway, he was going too fast, couldn't brake properly and boom - he hits the curb and the car flips. The car knocks down half of my front fence and Mike gets thrown through the sunroof. He went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that. That didn't kill him at all. So, he lands in my upstairs bedroom, lying on the floor all covered in broken glass. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking one arm, three ribs and both his legs."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and drags himself out onto the landing. He tries to pull himself up on the bannister but under his weight, the bannister breaks and he goes falling all the way down to the first floor taking the entire bannister with him. In mid air, all the broken bannister poles fall on him and 2 or 3 of them skewer him right through the abdomen just like a rotisserie chicken when he landed at the bottom."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him. He survived even that. So he's on the downstairs floor just outside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove by but reaching for a big pot of boiling hot water, and whoosh, the whole thing comes down on him and burns most of his skin off."
"Man, what a terrible way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the floor, scalded by boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing out of the wall. Water and electricity don't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, with 220 volts going right through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he ..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"He was wrecking my f..king house"
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Music
Music is........
Science
- it is exact and demands exact acoustics. A piece of music is a chart, a graph which indicates frequencies, intensities, volume changes, melody and harmony all at once with the most exact control of time.
Mathematical
- it is rhythmically based on the subdivision of time into fractions which must be done instantaneously, not worked out on paper.
Foreign Language
- most of the terms are Italian, German or French and the notation is certainly not English, but a highly developed kind of shorthand that uses symbols to represent ideas. The semantics of music is a universal language.
History
- music reflects the environment and times of its creation, often even the country and/or racial feelings.
Physical Education
- it requires fantastic coordination of fingers, hands, arms, legs, cheek and facial muscles in addition to control of diaphragmatic, back, stomach and chest muscles which respond to the sound the ear hearts and the mind interprets.
Art
- music takes technically difficult techniques and uses them to create emotions and feelings.
Science
- it is exact and demands exact acoustics. A piece of music is a chart, a graph which indicates frequencies, intensities, volume changes, melody and harmony all at once with the most exact control of time.
Mathematical
- it is rhythmically based on the subdivision of time into fractions which must be done instantaneously, not worked out on paper.
Foreign Language
- most of the terms are Italian, German or French and the notation is certainly not English, but a highly developed kind of shorthand that uses symbols to represent ideas. The semantics of music is a universal language.
History
- music reflects the environment and times of its creation, often even the country and/or racial feelings.
Physical Education
- it requires fantastic coordination of fingers, hands, arms, legs, cheek and facial muscles in addition to control of diaphragmatic, back, stomach and chest muscles which respond to the sound the ear hearts and the mind interprets.
Art
- music takes technically difficult techniques and uses them to create emotions and feelings.
Joke
Eleven people were hanging on a rope
under a helicopter - ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all,
so they decided that one had to leave,
because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to name that person,
until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,
because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything
for her husband and kids, or for men in general,
and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping their hands.
under a helicopter - ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all,
so they decided that one had to leave,
because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to name that person,
until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,
because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything
for her husband and kids, or for men in general,
and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping their hands.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Monday, November 21, 2005
Too smart for 1st grade...
Too smart for 1st grade...
The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was
brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: "What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks : "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum".
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Fire truck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."
The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was
brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: "What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks : "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum".
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Fire truck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."
Barbie
Finally a Barbie I can relate to. At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead.
Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.
3.. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included.
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive
age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr.. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously.. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead.
Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.
3.. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included.
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive
age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr.. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously.. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Saturday, November 19, 2005
What was I?
The 'What am I' was a Cobblers Anvil. This was given to me by my Dad (who was not a cobbler, but used it to repair shoes and resole them when we were younger), my sister has one too, which she uses all the time (er, she's not a cobbler either).
Sue
Letter to a friend
Lee,
I am so sorry to hear the news that your Dad passed away so suddenly.
What a shock for you and your family. So sad.
I am speaking to you now, as a daughter, a wife, and a mother.
You are entering a softer, sadder time in you life, where you have the human privilege of ‘seeing off your father’; the duty of a daughter; and the responsibility of a mother.
The duty of a wife is a given… :)
No doubt you are madly helping organise the funeral. A huge ask! Again, a wonderful job, but one fraught with responsibility. Did he want his? Did he want that? Why didn’t we discuss it more!
All this, and supporting your Mother too, a task, which you shall not only rise to, but excel in.
I don’t know you very well, but I do know you love your family, blue jeans, and your ‘boys’. I feel you are a ‘hands on’, ‘can do’ person.
Make the time to stop also, and just be… allow yourself time to grieve, to think, to ponder, to wonder. Allow yourself time to just do what-ever-the-hell-you-want-to-do!
Listen to music. Have a drink. God is watching, and she approves! There has never been a sunny day without a shadow!
Have a box of tissues handy at the funeral, and don’t be afraid to visit it often.
Ask a friend to take photos at the funeral. You may never want to see them again, but if you do…they are always there to revisit.
Talk as much as you like about your Dad, to whomever will listen. Be happy. Be angry. Be daring! Be still.
It’s a funny thing this stuff being us…. it’s ultimately OUR life too, and we have the choice to live it in the way we want to, according to the time/date/fashion. There are no rules/codes/protocol for grieving … so laugh, scream, cry, hold, dream and remember.
Remember your Dad when he held you as a little girl. Remember him when he used to whisper in your ear, or pushed you on a swing.
What you are about to go through (funeral etc) is so difficult, but it’s do-able. Don’t be strong for anyone (unless it’s your Mum!) just go with the flow.
Remember to eat! Remember to drink and toast a great life! Remember to look at your family, and hug them and hold them and tell them that you love them dearly.
Thinking of you.
Patty
Daughter. Wife. Mother. Parent. Friend.
I am so sorry to hear the news that your Dad passed away so suddenly.
What a shock for you and your family. So sad.
I am speaking to you now, as a daughter, a wife, and a mother.
You are entering a softer, sadder time in you life, where you have the human privilege of ‘seeing off your father’; the duty of a daughter; and the responsibility of a mother.
The duty of a wife is a given… :)
No doubt you are madly helping organise the funeral. A huge ask! Again, a wonderful job, but one fraught with responsibility. Did he want his? Did he want that? Why didn’t we discuss it more!
All this, and supporting your Mother too, a task, which you shall not only rise to, but excel in.
I don’t know you very well, but I do know you love your family, blue jeans, and your ‘boys’. I feel you are a ‘hands on’, ‘can do’ person.
Make the time to stop also, and just be… allow yourself time to grieve, to think, to ponder, to wonder. Allow yourself time to just do what-ever-the-hell-you-want-to-do!
Listen to music. Have a drink. God is watching, and she approves! There has never been a sunny day without a shadow!
Have a box of tissues handy at the funeral, and don’t be afraid to visit it often.
Ask a friend to take photos at the funeral. You may never want to see them again, but if you do…they are always there to revisit.
Talk as much as you like about your Dad, to whomever will listen. Be happy. Be angry. Be daring! Be still.
It’s a funny thing this stuff being us…. it’s ultimately OUR life too, and we have the choice to live it in the way we want to, according to the time/date/fashion. There are no rules/codes/protocol for grieving … so laugh, scream, cry, hold, dream and remember.
Remember your Dad when he held you as a little girl. Remember him when he used to whisper in your ear, or pushed you on a swing.
What you are about to go through (funeral etc) is so difficult, but it’s do-able. Don’t be strong for anyone (unless it’s your Mum!) just go with the flow.
Remember to eat! Remember to drink and toast a great life! Remember to look at your family, and hug them and hold them and tell them that you love them dearly.
Thinking of you.
Patty
Daughter. Wife. Mother. Parent. Friend.
Friday, November 18, 2005
Think
ZEN FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY
1. Save The Whales. Collect The Whole Set.
2. A Day Without Sunshine Is Like, Night.
3. On The Other Hand, You Have Different Fingers.
4. I Just Got Lost In Thought. It Wasn't Familiar Territory.
5. 42.7 Percent Of All Statistics Are Made Up On The Spot.
6. Light Travels Faster Than Sound, Which Is Why Some People Appear
Bright Until You Hear Them Speak.
7. I Feel Like I'm Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe.
8. Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet.
9. Remember, Half The People You Know Are Below Average.
10. He Who Laughs Last, Thinks Slowest.
11. Depression Is Merely Anger Without Enthusiasm.
12. The Early Bird May Get The Worm, But The Second Mouse Gets The
Cheese.
13. I Drive Way Too Fast To Worry About Cholesterol.
14. Support Bacteria. They're The Only Culture Some People Have.
15. Monday Is An Awful Way To Spend 1/7 Of Your Week.
16. A Clear Conscience Is Usually The Sign Of A Bad Memory.
17. Change Is Inevitable, Except From Vending Machines.
18. Get A New Car For Your Spouse. It'll Be A Great Trade!
19. Plan To Be Spontaneous Tomorrow.
20. Always Try To Be Modest, And Be Proud Of It!
21. If You Think Nobody Cares, Try Missing A Couple Of Payments.
22. How Many Of You Believe In Psycho-Kinesis? Raise My Hand.
23 . Ok, So What's The Speed Of Dark?
24. How Do You Tell When You're Out Of Invisible Ink?
25. If Everything Seems To Be Going Well, You Have Obviously
Overlooked Something.
26. When Everything Is Coming Your Way, You're In The Wrong Lane.
27. Hard Work Pays Off In The Future. Laziness Pays Off Now.
28. Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Just Do Not Have Film.
29. If Barbie Is So Popular, Why Do You Have To Buy Her Friends?
30. How Much Deeper Would The Ocean Be Without Sponges?
31. Eagles May Soar, But Weasels Do Not Get Sucked Into Jet Engines.
32. What Happens If You Get Scared Half To Death Twice?
33. I Used To Have An Open Mind But My Brains Kept Falling Out.
34. I Couldn't Repair Your Brakes, So I Made Your Horn Louder.
35. Why Do Psychics Have To Ask You For Your Name?
36. Inside Every Older Person Is A Younger Person Wondering What
Happened.
37. Just Remember - If The World Did Not Suck, We Would All Fall Off.
1. Save The Whales. Collect The Whole Set.
2. A Day Without Sunshine Is Like, Night.
3. On The Other Hand, You Have Different Fingers.
4. I Just Got Lost In Thought. It Wasn't Familiar Territory.
5. 42.7 Percent Of All Statistics Are Made Up On The Spot.
6. Light Travels Faster Than Sound, Which Is Why Some People Appear
Bright Until You Hear Them Speak.
7. I Feel Like I'm Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe.
8. Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet.
9. Remember, Half The People You Know Are Below Average.
10. He Who Laughs Last, Thinks Slowest.
11. Depression Is Merely Anger Without Enthusiasm.
12. The Early Bird May Get The Worm, But The Second Mouse Gets The
Cheese.
13. I Drive Way Too Fast To Worry About Cholesterol.
14. Support Bacteria. They're The Only Culture Some People Have.
15. Monday Is An Awful Way To Spend 1/7 Of Your Week.
16. A Clear Conscience Is Usually The Sign Of A Bad Memory.
17. Change Is Inevitable, Except From Vending Machines.
18. Get A New Car For Your Spouse. It'll Be A Great Trade!
19. Plan To Be Spontaneous Tomorrow.
20. Always Try To Be Modest, And Be Proud Of It!
21. If You Think Nobody Cares, Try Missing A Couple Of Payments.
22. How Many Of You Believe In Psycho-Kinesis? Raise My Hand.
23 . Ok, So What's The Speed Of Dark?
24. How Do You Tell When You're Out Of Invisible Ink?
25. If Everything Seems To Be Going Well, You Have Obviously
Overlooked Something.
26. When Everything Is Coming Your Way, You're In The Wrong Lane.
27. Hard Work Pays Off In The Future. Laziness Pays Off Now.
28. Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Just Do Not Have Film.
29. If Barbie Is So Popular, Why Do You Have To Buy Her Friends?
30. How Much Deeper Would The Ocean Be Without Sponges?
31. Eagles May Soar, But Weasels Do Not Get Sucked Into Jet Engines.
32. What Happens If You Get Scared Half To Death Twice?
33. I Used To Have An Open Mind But My Brains Kept Falling Out.
34. I Couldn't Repair Your Brakes, So I Made Your Horn Louder.
35. Why Do Psychics Have To Ask You For Your Name?
36. Inside Every Older Person Is A Younger Person Wondering What
Happened.
37. Just Remember - If The World Did Not Suck, We Would All Fall Off.
Joke
When a woman wears leather clothing,a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees and he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
Because she smells like a new truck!
Ever wonder why?
Because she smells like a new truck!
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Joke
If a woman allows her tattoo artist to grope her chest in exchange for a free tattoo, could that be considered "tit for tat?"
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Actual writing on hospital charts
Actual writing on hospital charts
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
9.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale. but present.
25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
28. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room
29. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
30. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
31. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
32. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
33. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
34. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
9.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale. but present.
25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
28. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room
29. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
30. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
31. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
32. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
33. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
34. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Monday, November 14, 2005
THREE THINGS
What Three Things remind you of Christmas, or what Three Things are your Christmas Traditons?
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Joke
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the
stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets
groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six
months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He
opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there.
Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. ....Having a
Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About
5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some
drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink
with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely, gonna be
some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there.
"Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the
way, what should I wear?"
"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."
stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets
groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six
months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He
opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there.
Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. ....Having a
Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About
5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some
drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink
with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely, gonna be
some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there.
"Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the
way, what should I wear?"
"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Joke
Three mothers decided to check the contents of their teenage daughters' purses.
The brunette opened her daughter's purse and found a pack of cigarettes.
"Oh, my God! I didn't know my daughter smokes!"
The redhead went through her daughter's purse and found a flask of vodka.
Oh, my God! I didn't know my daughter drinks!"
The blonde opened her daughter's purse and found a condom.
"Oh, my God! I didn't know my daughter has a penis!"
The brunette opened her daughter's purse and found a pack of cigarettes.
"Oh, my God! I didn't know my daughter smokes!"
The redhead went through her daughter's purse and found a flask of vodka.
Oh, my God! I didn't know my daughter drinks!"
The blonde opened her daughter's purse and found a condom.
"Oh, my God! I didn't know my daughter has a penis!"
Friday, November 11, 2005
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
