MY GIRLFRIENDS' PANTRY

My pantry is full of girlfriends’ food.

Each son has brought home women who love food: to eat, or look at, or both, and they have stocked up our pantry with my money for their dietary preferences.

I have three bottles of vanilla essence from Hannah, who loved her cakes. Mention cupcakes and she would squeal. Seriously! Hannah also bought three large packets of sugar. I haven’t bought sugar for 12 years, and at this rate, I won’t be buying sugar until I am an octagarian! I don’t eat it, I don’t cook with it, I don’t put it in my tea, but I could bath in this. And that’s just white sugar.

I also now have brown sugar, castor sugar, three packets (you guessed it!) of icing sugar, and sugar cubes, for goodness sake. There are three bottles of balsamic vinegar on the high shelf, and two bottles of sweet chilli sauce. *faints.

In my ‘plastic cupboard’ (more like a morgue for Tupperware and takeaway containers of chicken and almonds) I can count 8 vanilla ice-cream buckets. There are only 8 because I threw away the other 14, in various colours. Blue (Pauls) white (Streets) and green (extra creamy). The brown ones were Sara Lee and cardboard, so out they went.

Hannah grew from a size 10 skinny girl to a size 18 making her own clothes. I have lost count of the number of safety pins I gave her as her waistband/zip/buttons all pooped with her increasing girth.

I tried not to show judgement, but my teeth were gritted. She should have tried the same trick.

Beth – my youngest son’s friend is on a heath kick. So far she has stayed the same weight, but it’s early days.

She’s very much like my son; intelligent and nice, but serious, studies too much and thinks a great day is laying in a darkened bedroom for eight hours watching tv shows downloaded onto his computer. *So that’s where my bandwidth went.

Beth’s donation to the world’s growing food shortage is to stockpile it in my fridge. High up, on the shelf I used to keep my eggs and pate, there are blocks of Haloumi cheese, feta and tofu.

I have two containers of rice milk. Rice milk! There are two packets of oats and three packets of natural muesli.

Can’t these women buy in singular units?

Regularly she buys mangoes/peaches/avocadoes and soy bread. My possums have never eaten so well! I must tap her on the shoulder and remind her to eat the food she brings. No wonder she’s skinny.

My fridge too, is groaning with fresh mushrooms, (hey, I am not complaining, I love fresh mushrooms) and sad little herbs in plastic. It’s always fascinating to watch them turn into slime, I never tire of it. I have a complete science lab and evolution in my crisper drawer. Did I mention the fish sauce?

My pantry - and fridge - are full of girlfriends’ food.

Pity they don’t cook for me. Dinner anyone?

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent but the ingredients stay the same.