Difference Between Women And Men
1.NAMES If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2.EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20,, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3.MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.
4.BATHROOMS A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
5.ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.
6.CATS Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
7.FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8.SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9.MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
10.DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
11.NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12.OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
A blonde Irishman
A doctor in Ireland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached His assistant. "Seamus, I am goin huntin tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients". "Yes, sir!" answers Seamus.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Seamus, how was your day?"
Seamus told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MALOX, sir," says Seamus.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table. She then shouts: "HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!"
"Thunderin' Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes " !!!!!