1: Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2: If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3: There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
4: You should not confuse your career with your life.
5: Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
6: Never lick a steak knife.
7: The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
8: You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
9: You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. ( this one is extremely important to remember)
10:There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
11: The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
12: A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)