Tuesday, October 17, 2006


The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when supplies of tea all but ran out. Terrorists have been re categorized from "Tiresome" to "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Excitedly" to "Ponce About in a Daft Military Manner." Two more levels remain: "Run Away" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." Like their Italian friends, they also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Meanwhile the Irish government is about to introduce a system with just two alert states, to be called "Who Gives a Shoite?" and "Will You Be Havin' Another, Seamus?"

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