Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.He flicked it on.
'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets andfinally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'Andjust what do those symbolize?'
The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts
Monday, December 01, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Joke
Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for married men.
Every month, the centerfold is the same woman!
Every month, the centerfold is the same woman!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Investment Advice.
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in the new year:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner, Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally ...
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner, Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally ...
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
Investment Advice.
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in the new year:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner, Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally ...
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner, Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally ...
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
Monday, October 06, 2008
You know you're Australian if...
You know you're Australian if....
You know the meaning of 'girt'
You believe that stubbies can either be worn or drunk
You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin
You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse
You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden
When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often and with whom
You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds
You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin' You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'
You believe the 'L' in the word ' Australia ' is optional You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas' You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate itshighways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really,truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'
You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place
You believe is makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin
You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'
You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread
You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis
You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'
You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'
You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year
You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'u'
You wear ugh boots outside the house
You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them
Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language
You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is alway polite
You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose
You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'
You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle
You biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket
You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'
You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'
When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit
You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of blacktracky-daks, suitably laundered
You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction
When working at a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer
You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second
You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.
You know the meaning of 'girt'
You believe that stubbies can either be worn or drunk
You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin
You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse
You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden
When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often and with whom
You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds
You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin' You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'
You believe the 'L' in the word ' Australia ' is optional You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas' You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate itshighways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really,truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'
You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place
You believe is makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin
You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'
You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread
You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis
You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'
You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'
You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year
You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'u'
You wear ugh boots outside the house
You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them
Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language
You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is alway polite
You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose
You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'
You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle
You biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket
You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'
You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'
When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit
You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of blacktracky-daks, suitably laundered
You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction
When working at a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer
You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second
You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Joke
Little Johnny entered Mrs. Marshall's classroom one Monday morning.
Mrs. Marshall asked, "How was your weekend, John?"
Little Johnny said, "Horrible. A car hit my dog in the a$s!"
Mrs. Marshall cautioned him, "John, you should say 'rectum' instead."
"Rectum?! It damn near killed him!"
Mrs. Marshall asked, "How was your weekend, John?"
Little Johnny said, "Horrible. A car hit my dog in the a$s!"
Mrs. Marshall cautioned him, "John, you should say 'rectum' instead."
"Rectum?! It damn near killed him!"
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