Gary meets a new friend at the Brisane airport
Patty
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Friday, October 21, 2005
Aussie humour
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website
and the answers are the actual responses by the
website officials, who obviously have a great sense of
humour.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never
seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit
around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow
the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of
water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in
Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo
racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent
south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in
the middle of the Pacific which does not . . . oh
forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday
night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us
when you get here and we'll send the rest of the
directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?
(USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering
Ger-man-y, which is . . . oh forget it. Sure, the
Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings
Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydn ey and is milk
available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan
hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who
can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-i-ca which is where YOU
come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly
harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of
youth. Can you tell me where I can sell itin Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the
female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R&R, and I want to
contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings
Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the
hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go?(USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
and the answers are the actual responses by the
website officials, who obviously have a great sense of
humour.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never
seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit
around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow
the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of
water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in
Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo
racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent
south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in
the middle of the Pacific which does not . . . oh
forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday
night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us
when you get here and we'll send the rest of the
directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?
(USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering
Ger-man-y, which is . . . oh forget it. Sure, the
Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings
Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydn ey and is milk
available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan
hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who
can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-i-ca which is where YOU
come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly
harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of
youth. Can you tell me where I can sell itin Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the
female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R&R, and I want to
contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings
Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the
hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go?(USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
Apples & Oranges
A middle-aged man had an obsession with women's breasts. So he went to a psychologist and told the doctor about his problem.
"I am going to do word association,explained the doctor. "I am going to say a word, and you will say the first thing that come to your mind."
"Oranges," said the doctor.
"Breasts," replied the patient.
"Apples."
"Breasts."
"Watermelons."
"Breasts."
"Wipers."
"Breasts," said the patient with the same reply.
"Wait a minute! I can see the connections between oranges, apples, watermelons and breasts. But automobile's wipers? Where is the connection?" asked the doctor.
"Easy ... one on the left and one on the right!"
"I am going to do word association,explained the doctor. "I am going to say a word, and you will say the first thing that come to your mind."
"Oranges," said the doctor.
"Breasts," replied the patient.
"Apples."
"Breasts."
"Watermelons."
"Breasts."
"Wipers."
"Breasts," said the patient with the same reply.
"Wait a minute! I can see the connections between oranges, apples, watermelons and breasts. But automobile's wipers? Where is the connection?" asked the doctor.
"Easy ... one on the left and one on the right!"
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Wanted Ad
WANTED
GOOD WOMAN.
Must be able to Clean,
Cook, Sew, Dig Worms
and Clean Fish.
Must have Boat and Motor.
Please send picture of boat and motor.
GOOD WOMAN.
Must be able to Clean,
Cook, Sew, Dig Worms
and Clean Fish.
Must have Boat and Motor.
Please send picture of boat and motor.
Sometimes I wonder about myself lol
I had this mad panic phone call from yesterday. " theres a person called Gary from the States just rang me looking for you returning your call to him"
Scratched my head thinking how did he know how to ring my Mum. Went for hours how he did it. Mums surname is different from mine, so he cant have looked up the number in the book I thought. He doesn't even know where Mum lives.
Was all a big mystery.
So after awhile I returned his call to return the call he returned.
Then it dawned on me for some unknown reason I left Mums phone number and not mine when I left a message for him at the hotel desk.
Silly bugger aren't I? Mystery solved
Scratched my head thinking how did he know how to ring my Mum. Went for hours how he did it. Mums surname is different from mine, so he cant have looked up the number in the book I thought. He doesn't even know where Mum lives.
Was all a big mystery.
So after awhile I returned his call to return the call he returned.
Then it dawned on me for some unknown reason I left Mums phone number and not mine when I left a message for him at the hotel desk.
Silly bugger aren't I? Mystery solved
Was fun while it lasted
BureauTuesday Oct 18 20:59 AEST
Get ready for a hot summer, the Bureau of Meteorology has warned.
In its latest seasonal temperature outlook, covering the November to January period, the bureau said there was a 60 per cent chance most of the country would experience above-average temperatures.
This calendar year is already shaping up to be one of the warmest on record, with the January to September period the hottest since records were first kept.
The bureau said there was a 60 to 65 per cent chance of above-average temperatures for most of Queensland, NSW, Victoria, and parts of South Australia, Tasmania and the Northern Territory. While days will be warmer, get set for even more uncomfortable nights.
The bureau says there is up to a 75 per cent chance of above-average night-time temperatures for parts of southern Queensland and parts of northern NSW.
Our last outlook was suggesting quite a high chance of below-normal rainfall, particularly in parts of south-eastern Australia, and this outlook has backed off a little bit," he told ABC Radio.
"It's still leaning slightly towards a higher chance of drier conditions in parts of south-eastern Australia - 55 per cent to 60 per cent but that's backed off from the 60 per cent to 70 per cent we were seeing last month."
Get ready for a hot summer, the Bureau of Meteorology has warned.
In its latest seasonal temperature outlook, covering the November to January period, the bureau said there was a 60 per cent chance most of the country would experience above-average temperatures.
This calendar year is already shaping up to be one of the warmest on record, with the January to September period the hottest since records were first kept.
The bureau said there was a 60 to 65 per cent chance of above-average temperatures for most of Queensland, NSW, Victoria, and parts of South Australia, Tasmania and the Northern Territory. While days will be warmer, get set for even more uncomfortable nights.
The bureau says there is up to a 75 per cent chance of above-average night-time temperatures for parts of southern Queensland and parts of northern NSW.
Our last outlook was suggesting quite a high chance of below-normal rainfall, particularly in parts of south-eastern Australia, and this outlook has backed off a little bit," he told ABC Radio.
"It's still leaning slightly towards a higher chance of drier conditions in parts of south-eastern Australia - 55 per cent to 60 per cent but that's backed off from the 60 per cent to 70 per cent we were seeing last month."
THE future king of Denmark held court last night as his delighted parents showed him off to the world for the first time.
Australian-born Princess Mary and husband Crown Prince Frederik left Copenhagen University Hospital with their new arrival about 10.30pm Queensland time � mid-afternoon in Copenhagen.
New mum Mary and dad Frederik walked about 100m to a waiting car with their four-day-old prince, as dozens of cameras watched on.
"Words cannot describe how happy one feels," Mary, dressed in a green frock coat, grinned as she displayed the heir to the world's oldest monarchy.
She said motherhood had been a "truly wonderful" experience.
"I am feeling wonderful � it's been a truly wonderful life experience," Mary said.
"We are very excited by all the messages and well-wishers. It's really very touching."
Patty
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Life Cycle of a Woman
What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who are you???
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who are you???
Monday, October 17, 2005
RAIN, glorious rain . . . southeast Queensland residents welcomed with smiles the drenching over the weekend, bringing relief as dam levels around Brisbane receive a boost. Making the most of the muddy conditions was James Ragliaro, who celebrated his 11th birthday with a game of footy at New Farm Park with his mates
Patty
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